My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
