So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
