saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
