Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
