I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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