someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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