ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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