his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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