You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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