you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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