My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
