I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
