Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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