I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
