I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
