dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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