Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
