is your mom at the bar?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize