Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
