every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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