you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
