My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
