And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
