How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize