Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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