He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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