Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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