i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
