Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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