Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize