Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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