dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
