Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i think i just lost a toe
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