Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
