his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I need water and some morals
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize