This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize