some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
