I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
