so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
