my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
