I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize