Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
