Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
