Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
