My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
