I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
