she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
