my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
