I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
