I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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