is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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