I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
