as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
