i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
