my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
