so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
