i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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