Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We are all done wearing pants today
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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