im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
