I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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