I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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