god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
