did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
