we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
