I think I just saw someone hide a body.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
