Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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