I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I did not marry a roomba.
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