Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
