There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
