I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
