im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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