I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
