you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
